I get a lot of condescending comments when it comes to some of my life choices. Lately, I’ve been cutting right to the implied point: do you think I’m an idiot? Granted, I’m on the defense kind of a lot of the time and it’s pretty pathetic because I’m almost 26 and have a pretty solid understanding of who I am-so why defend myself all the time? Where did this chip on my shoulder come from and how can I get rid of it? Some could say that my messyupiness started the day I decided what I wanted to study in college, which is when a welcome mat for condescending remarks seemed to roll out at my feet. What do you do with a degree in philosophy, people ask me. Well, I guess you just go to graduate school and cry into your pillow each night.
When I’m told to be careful or to remember what’s important by people I respect- I know that they think they’re helping me, but it actually rips me up inside, makes me doubt everything and makes me feel like a child. While many of my peers are starting families and their career, I went to Korea where I saved very little money. This doesn’t mean that I don’t know what’s important, but what’s important varies from person to person. I’m in my late 20’s now and I have friends getting married, some are having children now. The truth of the matter is that those are all things that I want, but there are other important things as well.
People see me with my large backpack and ask me a million questions: is it safe to travel alone? Are your parents mad? Are you stupid?! Sure, every female backpacker I’ve met has her own stories; most of them are only stories to be told after a few drinks. However, the stories generally end with “at least I have a good story.” Despite all the crazy things I’ve heard, I’ve never heard words of regret, saying they wish they hadn’t traveled and just saved their money for this or that. I hate being questioned for the choices that I’ve made or that I should have done things differently. It is what it is, I say. Like when a person questions my tattoo choices…it is what it is, it’s permanent and I have to live with it.
I know there’s plenty to negatively comment on regarding how I am as an individual. I’m extremely introverted, but I love talking to strangers that I will never see again but if I know you, I could sit silently in a room for hours with you. I forget to shave for months at a time. I appear to be a last minute kind of person because I only tell people what I’ve been planning right before I do it. I have a hard time saying no to people. I trust people too fast. I drink wine at bars, in a wine glass-like a huge douche. I have my faults like anyone else, but that doesn’t mean that my choices delusional. I paid my rent and I have no debt, despite taking [sometimes] weird routes to get that done and sometimes sucking up my pride and accepting the help of others. My “irrational” life choices aren’t me running away from adulthood, it’s me embracing it because I know I’m allowed to do whatever I want- even if that means messing up.
I don’t have any pictures to share for this, so I thought I’d add a song I listened to while writing this.